"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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