So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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