I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
