Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
