Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
