Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
