My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
