I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
