so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Mom said you looked used
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
