I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
