I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
