Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
