Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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