I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
