so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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