tell your sister to shave her snatch
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
