I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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