Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Randomize
