it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
