I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
