there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
