I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
