Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
