Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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