the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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