We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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