I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
