Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
