I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
