Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It's blow job season.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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