I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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