Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
