so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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