The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
