Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
