I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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