My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
