i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
