Actions speak louder than pants.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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