we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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