The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
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