Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
