She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
