he puts the penis in happiness.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
