that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
