do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
