I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
