handjob tips. give me some.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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