Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
