I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
