Soap is not a condiment
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
