last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
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There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
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You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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