So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
