What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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