If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
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My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
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I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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