What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
