paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Randomize
