i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
