I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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