I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.