She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
