just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
