just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
