Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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